The Dance Of The Old Man

This old man has the moves. He is graceful like a tiger that just ate a ballerina. Watch the way he shakes DAT THANG. He frequents the local concerts in the park here, and dances the whole time. Think about it, you lazy young punks. This geezer probably buys his Ecstasy from the same guy that you do, but I don't see you going one fourth as crazy on the dance floor as he does. I have also heard (from reliable sources) that this man used to enjoy wearing shorts that were quite scandalously revealing, a fact that I am sure will bring you the sweetest of magical summertime dreams as you are lulled soothingly to sleep by his gyrating motions*. And did you see that roof being raised, that butter being churned? That's what our senior citizens were doing back when you were their age, and now you are just sitting on your ass and dicking around on the internet and listening to the MTV Videogames. From the same reliable source I gleaned the previous information from, I can tell you that during slow songs he rubs his hands all over his body, as if he was siphoning pure sexy grease from the air onto his hands and then trying to rub it in to his skin so that it can be absorbed into his pores.
At the end of the show, the old man stopped dancing, as even he is not enough of a wild rogue to dance without music. I felt alone inside, as I thought I wouldn't be seeing him again. Later that evening, however, I saw him on his bike, pure poetry in motion with a newsboy cap. I thought about yelling something about how  his motions were smooth, sublime and beautiful like unicorn diarrhea, but I decided that his art was best left unspoken, like a prayer.



*Which, by the way, will be forever burned into your skull after watching this video.

The Old Scottish Man

In May I attended the Highland Festival in Alma, Michigan. I arrived, not expecting to see so many old Scottish men showing of their shapely, beach ready legs in tartan kilts. This was one of them, though he was obviously a modest old chap, because one can only see the small amount of leg between his stockings and his kilt. I must remind the reader, of course, that a kilt is different from a skirt in multiple ways, with the main reason being that one does not wear underpants with a kilt. With this in your mind as well as all the...delightful images that come along with it, we shall change the subject.
This old man was watching a herding dog chase fluffy little sheep around a field. As shown in the photo, this old man is wearing a little green beer tent bracelet which demonstrates that he is of drinking age, which is below a minimum requirement to be observed for the Silver Fox Observation Deck. Yes, this old man has probably been drinking Scotch and eating strange parts of sheep and goats like any true Scotsman. I am unsure of the tartan on his kilt, but surely he is from a fine pipe-playing, fighting, spendthrift Scottish family.